America's National Anthem(s)

Here is a list, in terms of protocol, of the various national and patriotic “airs” that the government considers worthy of official occasions. There are provisions within a certain Handbook of Protocol that require that these anthems be considered during official state ceremonies. 

1. The Star Spangled Banner, the official national anthem. Playing this is a requisite of any state ceremony. It was based on The Anacreontic Hymn, an 18th-century British drinking song. 
2. Hail, Columbia! This anthem, now largely forgotten among the American popular memory, was for a long while the unofficial national anthem of the United States. It has now been principally relegated to entrances and departures of the Vice-President of the United States, although I have not heard this anthem played under Mr. Cheney’s tutelage.
3. Columbia, Gem of The Ocean. Principally also a national anthem of some import with the two previously listed anthems. This anthem is now played as an interval signal at times and as the official air for the Secretary of State. 
4. Yankee Doodle. The first, and obviously most original, of all the national anthems. This anthem is now relegated to the current interval signal of the Voice of America. 
5. The Battle Hymn of the Republic. The United States’ most ostentatiously religious hymn, is now principally sung at funerals and rememberance ceremonies. It is one of the most underrated national airs of the United States, given the current anti-religious invective.
6. America, The Beautiful, a gorgeous hymn with even more gorgeous imagery, written by a mild-mannered Midwestern schoolteacher after a memorable trip to Pikes’ Peak, the Columbian Exposition, and a Kansas wheatfield. This is only sung at funerals and commemorations, and at some state occasions (TV viewers will remember a particularly moving version while the late President Reagan lay in State at the US Capitol). The hymn tune is entitled Materna. 
7. New Britain. Otherwise known as ‘Amazing Grace’. Believe it or not, this famous hymn is used at some state ceremonies (mainly funerals). 
8. The Battle Cry of Freedom. This anthem is rarely heard, but was principally popular during the Civil War, where its origins lie. It is now a staple of the patriotic music played at some high school and college graduations.
9. Dixie. Like it or not, this hymn was for a short time the principal hymn of the Confederate States, and for most people nowadays, a reminder of a period of time in the South where the rule of racial segregation was in effect. 
10. America (My Country, ‘Tis of Thee). This hymn is also very standard, and takes its tune from the British national hymn, God Save The King/Queen.

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OK

And I have officially decided to stop my in-depth study of Encyclopedia Dramatica, that wonderful treasure-trove of nauseating, disturbing, absolutely hilarious collection of Internet sub-culture.

My conclusions:

1. Zippocat. Not funny at all. Cute kitties do not deserve to be burned horribly.
2. Cheryl Schuman. This bitch is cuuuuuuuuraaaaaazzzzzzy.
3. Attention whores. We’ve all got one inside of us! These bitches just make being random on YouTube annoying after ten minutes and then totally expect it to be funny. This one in particular.
   
4. Chris Crocker. You are not funny, classy, or even one of Britney Spears’ closest confidantes so accept the fact that you are made of FAIL and stop trying to get a talk show on Logo.
   
5. LJ Gay Drama 2006: This is why we can’t have nice things. And this is one of the reasons I stay the hell away from gay bars. OK, so your typical gay bar thin-ass trendy whores pull a Bobby and Whitney on a couple of LJ communities. The result: waves and waves of du-rama that end up in a serious case of butthurt. My question is, of course, how the fuck do you decide you’re moving in at like, 18? This just says Roy.
6. Furries.  So THIS is what’s going after ComicCon!
7. Wapanese. This list of identifyable characteristics of thin pale suburbanite kids pretending to be natives of Harajuku, is, quite frankly, priceless.
8. PixelBeeProductions. Or, as natives of YouTube might call it, cuuuuuuuuurraaaaaaaaazzzzzy bitch number two.
9. Emoness. “BAW, MySpace is all lame now that everyone’s on it, let’s cut ourselves and then go to Hot Topic and maybe Starbucks afterwards for bubble tea.”
10. 16 year-old girls. A catch-all term. These young fresh things are the bane and the blessing of the Internet. This one looks like some whore who used to make my life a living hell in high school.

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